Throwing in the Towel

Lately, my Weight Watchers leader has been pressuring me to declare myself at “goal.”

This wouldn’t be such a bad thing – in fact, I might just take it as a compliment – if she weren’t telling me this as though she has no faith in me and my ability to reach my initial weight loss goal.

Allow me to back up a bit.  As most of you know, I set out on this journey in Nov. 2007 to lose approximately 120 pounds.  With a start weight hovering right around 265 pounds, and a height of 5’4, I needed to shed at least that many pounds to reach an appropriate BMI for my height.

I have never in my life settled in at a healthy BMI.  Not once. Perhaps I may have briefly paused at a “healthy” weight on my way down and back up (and down, and back up again) between 120 and 250 pounds throughout 15+ years of yo-yo dieting.  But in all honesty, I’ve always been overweight.  It’s who I am.  And it’s how I’ve always defined myself.

That’s why, this time around, it was never my intention to don midriff-baring bathing suits or slip into skinny jeans.  All I really wanted was to be considered a “normal” size for the very first time in my 24 years of existence.

At Sunday’s weigh-in, my Weight Watchers leader complimented me on how I’m “wasting away to nothing.”  According to her, I’m apparently already so thin that I can never hope to reach 145 pounds – my original goal.  She asked me if I’ve seen my doctor yet to obtain a note indicating that I can maintain my weight where it is now.  Then Weight Watchers will consider me at “goal,” I can begin the maintenance phase and, eventually, achieve lifetime status on the program.

I look much smaller than what the scale might suggest, she says, so trying to drop additional weight – especially a whopping 30 pounds – just isn’t necessary.  She essentially advised me to throw in the towel and stay right where I am.

Needless to say, I’m still slightly infuriated.

Yes, she’s probably right in that I may want to consider talking to my doctor and adjusting my goal weight.  I’ve been stuck in the 170s for well over a year now, and yet many of my medium tops and size 8 jeans are becoming too loose to wear.  Even though the numbers on the scale have leveled out, I continue to see subtle changes in my body every single day.  I’m not trying to be a size 2, and I’m already in the best shape of my life, so trying to lose another 30 pounds could very well be an unrealistic objective.

However, I’m not one to accept being told that I CAN’T do something. And I’m not crazy about her insistence to skip right to the finish line.  Nobody knows what’s best for me better than I do…not my leader, not my doctor, not even my mother.

To be fair, I truly am almost happy with the person I see staring back at me in the mirror.  I could do without the stretch marks and loose skin, of course, but how could I not be proud of how my body looks now, and what I’ve accomplished so far?  I’m becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin, and I’m getting to know the person who has been buried underneath all of this fat for so many years.  I’m getting there.  Slowly, but surely.

Still, I want nothing more than to earn my 100-pound star.  I’m not even thinking about quitting until I do.  And I firmly told her that.

I’ve come too far, and fought too hard, to give up now.

Loss to date: 91.2 lbs

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3 thoughts on “Throwing in the Towel

  1. hamiltonmka

    Grrr…if there is one thing I’ve learned about WW through the years it’s that they have great leaders, they have so-so leaders and they have people who seriously should not be leaders. I think you know which category I’d put your leader. Have you thought of switching to a different weigh in site or day to get a different leader? I can’t imagine that it’s impossible for you to get leaner and get closer to the “normal weight range for a woman your age” and still be healthy. Yes, you’ve lost tons of weight. Yes, you look awesome! But, that doesn’t mean you can’t still continue to lose to get down to where you want to be and still be healthy. My dad lost 100 or more pounds as an adult and it seems like when heavy people drop a ton of weight the people around them who knew them only as heavy, start to think they are getting too thin. When in fact, they are safe to continue to lose weight. I wonder if your leader was someone who walked into WW at 180 and lost weight to get to 140 and just doesn’t get it in terms of what the journey is for heavier people like us/like we used to be. Any way, that’s my more than 2 cents for you today. I think you’re doing great and I say keep losing if that’s what you want to do. :o)

    • You are so very right. Many, many thanks for your support and kind words!

      It’s a long story, but basically I had a pretty good leader. Then she left (for who knows what reason), and I ended up with my current leader about 80 pounds into my weight loss. I stopped staying for meetings because I wasn’t crazy about her lecturing style, so I now only see her for 10 minutes at 8:30am on Sunday mornings to get my “official” weight for the week.

      I’m so far into my journey at this particular weigh-in location and time, and I have gotten to know many of the other members, so I suppose I just want to see this through with all the same people – even my current leader. Plus, this time is downright convenient; what excuse could I POSSIBLY come up with to skip weigh-in at the crack of dawn on a Sunday? Nothing in my schedule ever interferes. Other than sleep, perhaps.

      Just as you said, it is so not impossible for me to lose more weight. I may choose not to continue to 145 lbs, but in no way, shape, or form would it be impossible for me to do so. That’s what bugged me the most about what she said! And even if it was, when someone “quits” losing weight and declares themselves at goal is such an incredibly personal decision. It’s something I have to figure out for myself, and I know I’m just not there yet. I want that 100 pound star, and I WILL get it!

      Oh, and by the way…you hit the nail on the head. My leader lost 30 pounds on the program something like 15 years ago. She will never, ever understand what it’s like for people like you and I. This is a long, slow, arduous, LIFETIME process, and you just can’t rush it. That’s why, someday, I hope to become a Weight Watchers leader myself!

      Thanks, as always, for reading! I really appreciate and enjoy your feedback!

      Jen

  2. Julie

    I briefly went to a counselor to discuss my compulsive overeating when I’m struggling with my emotions. I stopped going after a few sessions because her message was basically to accept myself as I was and not try to lose weight.

    While I do believe we should all feel good about ourselves no matter what our weight is I also believe there’s nothing wrong with wanting to change it. I’ve also yo-yo’ed my entire life and want to be at the healthy 25 BMI or lower.

    I don’t believe that’s unreasonable or impossible for me and, given your healthy a reasonable weightloss journey so far, I don’t see any reason why it’s impossible for you. This is your own personal weight loss journey and I think you should go for it. You’ve done a lot of soul searching and have made lifestyle changes that address your past set backs.

    Seriously the human body is an amazing machine. None of us (barring some medical conditions) are meant to be overweight. If we were able to stop eating after we’d given our bodies the right amount of food we’d all be at our “right weight” and none of us would be doing WW in the first place!

    It sounds like you’ve truly addressed the reasons you’ve gained the weight back in the past and are making this a life time change. And considering that you’re still losing weight after the leader’s comments… Why wouldn’t you be able to reach the lower weight goal?

    Who cares what the WW leader thinks, she’s not you and you know yourself better than anyone!

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