My Inner Battle with Obesity

It’s no secret to anyone here that losing “the final 40” has proven a challenge that I have not yet been able to conquer. Granted, I now have my sights set on the “final 30,” but completing my weight loss journey is a goal that has continued to elude me…for nearly three years now.

Atlantic City, 2007

I continually experience periods of ups and downs — no pun intended — where I’m following my Weight Watchers program to the proverbial “T” and the scale is moving (ever so slowly), but then it’s immediately followed by a week, two weeks, or more, where various family celebrations, vacations, or perhaps even good old-fashioned frustration cause my efforts  to wane.

And, soon enough, I’m right back to where I started: I’ve been bobbing between an 85- and 90-pound loss since summer 2009.

So, why haven’t I thrown in the towel? Believe you me, the thought has crossed my mind. Don’t get me wrong: I’ll never, ever allow myself to go back to being a 250+ pound woman, but I could have easily quit Weight Watchers a long time ago and continued to live my life as a size 8/10, active young woman who by all intents and purposes is “normal.”

But then there’s the small matter of the fact that, oh yeah, I still weigh 175 pounds.

Now, when I was 267 pounds, I was, not surprisingly, considered obese by any standard BMI chart.

And today, thanks to my 5’4 frame, a weight of 175 pounds means that that I am still — believe it or not — obese.

Atlantic City, 2011

As much as I tell myself “it’s just a stupid chart” or “weight is just a number,” at the end of the day, I am desperate to finally be rid of the “obese” stamp that has been slapped on my forehead since the second grade.

My excessive weight has been a burden I’ve had to carry ever since then, and frankly, I’m sick and tired of looking in the mirror and knowing that deep down, I’m obese.

It’s a little secret that I carry with me as I scarf down my POINTs-friendly grilled chicken and veggie meals and hit the gym six days a week. No matter how healthy I eat now, or how intense my martial arts training has become, I’m still not the athlete that I dream of becoming.

I’m finally starting to realize that I’m worthy of something more. But I’ll never reach my goals until I can identify the mental block that’s keeping me from digging in my heels, losing the rest of this weight, and saying good-bye to the “fat” girl forever.

I no longer care about squeezing into a size four, and I know that I’ll probably never weigh 130 pounds, but I want so badly to just be truly “normal.” I may prance around in teeny halter dresses and two-piece bathing suits now, but regardless of what I look like on the outside, I know that I won’t feel truly successful until I am finally and forever stripped of that “obesity” label.

So, here’s to a renewed effort to finish what I started. Wish me luck!

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2 thoughts on “My Inner Battle with Obesity

  1. Luck! 🙂 I decided I was going to be a the top of a healthy BMI, but I think it’s still “overweight.” My doctor says it’s fine, and I honestly think I’ll be happy there. P.s. I always wanted your strength, but I didn’t want your battle. I’ve not lost much this year at all. But, to put it another way, I’ve not gained much, either. 🙂

    Luck, again!

    • Hi Felisha!

      Great to hear from you. Thank you, as always, for your support!

      I’ve sort of made the same decision. At my height, I can weigh as little as 115 some-odd pounds. Uh, yeah right! Honestly, I’m with you — I think it’s about deciding where it is you’ll be happy. Even if that weight does put me into the overweight category — I just don’t want to be “obese” anymore, you know?

      I haven’t lost much (or anything) this year, either. Actually, I was losing pretty steadily until I went on two short vacations almost back to back! But like you said, we haven’t GAINED.

      That thought passes through my brain every single day. I beat myself up over and over again for not being at my “goal” weight, for slipping into old habits from time to time, etc., but the truth of the matter is that I haven’t had to buy a bigger size of jeans in…well, years, now! And given my history of extreme yo-yo dieting, that right there is an accomplishment worth celebrating. As long as the scale isn’t going in the opposite direction, then I say we’re pretty damn successful! 😀

      Thanks again! Keep me posted on how you’re doing.

      Jennifer

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